Exploring the Inner Landscape

There is a story about a great saint who was told by his master to leave his village and travel to another village where he was to meditate under a mango tree. He was told that he would know when it was time to return, until then he was to stay away and not eat any mangoes. He did what his master asked of him, and did not return for 7 years. When he did comeback after an arduous practice of meditation and service in the village of the mango tree, he was given a mango to eat and the gift of full realization. He is the teacher of my teacher.

Every summer for several years I had the opportunity to spend time with a great meditation teacher. Just being in her presence was to be in a perpetual state of oneness and bliss. I loved being in the ashram, following the daily schedule and participating in all of the practices that occurred throughout the day. What was most important to me however was to receive her acknowledgment that I existed, that I was special. This wanting to be known by her colored everything I did and as a result, I lost the connection to my inner self

Acknowledgments did happen, but only at the beginning of my practice, and gradually it was as if I no longer existed. Always filled with a sense of inferiority, I felt even more unworthy, certain that I was unable to attain anything spiritual. During a particularly difficult time of service, I felt alone and abandoned, surrounded by my friends and family, who were ecstatic. Further proof of my unworthiness. One day standing in the hall way, I saw her come towards me and then all of a sudden she turned her head and walked past, I was completely invisible.

Refelcting on what had happened, I remembered the story of the saint sitting under the mango tree and his master sending him away to meditate. I was participating in meditation and the other practices, but most of what I was doing was focusing on outer acacknowledgments and acceptance. This insight brought me to look more closely at my motives. I was fueling my own sense of lack by looking outward and ignoring my inner experiences. So I sent my self away to discover who I am, not to sit under a mango tree, but to live my life in the world and to use the teachings, and the practices to support me. When I could I traveled to the Sierras to sit under a tree, and experience my connection to all that is in nature, and then finding that same connection in the city.

It is my responsibility to study, to meditate, to practice those things that I have been guided to investigate, to make my own conslusions and to recongise my own greatness without expecting a pat on the back by anyone. Attaining self knowledge will happen when it happens, and in the mean time I will continue explore the realms of my inner state through the practice of meditation and making art.

Last summer, or more correctly late last spring, I took a short hike out of the Wrights Lake area, off highway 50 to granite lined Twin Lakes. It was a great hike, the weather was perfect and because it was early in the season, there were not too many people on this popular trail. As a result, I was able to let the dogs run free.

On the return as I was coming down the trail I saw the most incredible broken stump. The stump was just off the trail with a backdrop of sky, granite and more trees. I had to stop and take a closer look. I  decided to take a picture so that I could use it as inspiration for future drawings. I reached for my camera, and it wasn’t there. I couldn’t believe it, I always travel with my camera. Evidently I had taken it out of my pack to upload some files and had forgotten to put it back.

I was beyond disappointed. After I returned to the cabin, I tried to remember how it looked. I was obsessed with that old stump,and I tried to draw from memory, but I just couldn’t get it right. Finally I was able to return to the cabin and spend a few more days hiking around the area. This time I remembered my camera, I shot the stump from a variety of angles. Clearly the best view is from above, on the way down. It’s so funny how many times I have hiked this trail and never saw it until that day. Since finding this old stump, I have seen many similar ones throughout the forest. I find them beautiful, and full of life. The contrast between the living and the dead is very compelling, and knowing that even this old stump is teaming with life as it melts back into the earth, brings even more to my imagination. Once back in the studio, I quickly used this image in several drawings. The one in this post is my favorite.

One of the greatest gifts I received from my father was the gift of Nature, and a love for the environment. From an early age he would take me and my sister on camping trips around California. The first trip was to Lassen, when I was 5, from then on every summer we would go somewhere. My mother liked the redwoods along the coast, I don’t think Daddy cared where we went as long as we were outside and he could hike, build a campfire and sit in camp and read. I loved the granite peaks and domes of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is the source of much of my creative inspiration.

Have you ever lay on your back and looked through the branches of a tree?
Try it some time. Inspiration for the drawings in this section came from spending time on my back looking up into the lacy needles and leaves of many different kinds of trees. I would alter my focus, like changing the depth of filed in a camera to gain a better perspective of what I was viewing. Sometimes I would look up into the middle of a grove, and trees would be surrounding me in a circle. I could focus on the inner circle, or out into the sky. I did this one night looking at the moon, it was so still, feeling the cool nights breeze on my face, the sound of the water nearby, and the light reflecting off the tips of the trees. I knew I had to follow through on this particular theme, to see if I could generate that same experience in my images. [click to continue…]